Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
