i permit you to call me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
