It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
