the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
