How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
