I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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