I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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