I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
