Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
