you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
