I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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