I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
