You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
