i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
