Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
