Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
