I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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