ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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