you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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