The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
