Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
