we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
