Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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