She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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