he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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