I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
