So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
