Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
