He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i came on her dog
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
