I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got her a Nickelback box set.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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