I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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