Yo dont text me then not text me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
