I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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