I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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