This dress was meant to end up on your floor
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
