Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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