apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
