Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
