i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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