Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
porn star boner night. come get it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
