let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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