I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
