***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
