Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
