Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I smell like Dick and happiness
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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