I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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