I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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