Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
