the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
