just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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