i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
