There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
